


The Monster

by MsMxyzptlk



Category: Alex Wolff - Fandom
Genre: Depression, F/M, Intrusive Thoughts, Mental Illness, Mild Sexual Content, Self-Hatred, Strong Language, Suicide Attempt, one racial slur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 21:04:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11631885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsMxyzptlk/pseuds/MsMxyzptlk
Summary: I know The Monster’s words are harsh and violent. It upset me to write them down. But that is what the voice of intrusive thoughts, self-hatred, and depression sounds like. If this is happening to you, please get help. You matter.





	The Monster

“...one, two, three, four, five, six, and Boardwalk is mine, baby.”

Alex put the tiny pewter race car on Boardwalk, effectively ending our Monopoly game.

“But you can put all the hotels on me.”

He spoke to me in my left ear, and The Monster spoke to me in my right ear.

_Tell him how ugly he is. Tell him that his eyebrows are thick and gross, and that his mole looks like a little piece of shit._

I leaned closer to Alex.

_Tell him that he is a dirty, greasy, hook-nosed kike._

I bit my lip. Hard.

“Cat gotcha tongue?”

I turned and looked into his big, dark, lovely eyes.

“Alex,” I said, “you’re beautiful.”

_Bitch!_

“Whoa. Where did that come from?”

I took his hand and squeezed it gently.

“From my heart.”

_You dirty cunt. You slimy, disgusting piece of shit. If you don’t break up with him by your twenty-first birthday – five days from now – I’m going to kill him._

“Awwww.” He kissed my nose as if it were a precious jewel.

_I am going to kill him. That’s a promise._

When Alex left for the night, I went into the bathroom and threw up.

I hated The Monster with all my being. But no matter how much I tried, I could not turn it off.

* * *

“Open the box.”

“Alex, it’s four days early.”

“So? Good things come early sometimes. I sure did,” he added, reminding me of his premature birth.

I lifted the lid of the glossy, flat black box. Inside was a necklace made with tiny multicolored frosty glass beads.

“Every one is genuine sea glass,” he said. “Like the ocean, just looking at you makes me feel calm.”

_Now break the damn thing and tell him how much you hate him._

“Oh, Alex. Thank you.” I kissed his cheek.

“Here, let me put it on.”

_Shitty cunt. Not even a sea glass necklace can make you look beautiful._

Alex hooked the necklace around my neck, and his fingers stroked the beads lovingly.

_A cockroach is more desirable than you are._

“When one of my movies gets nominated for an Oscar, I want you to wear this.”

_You won’t be there, because you’re going to dump him before your birthday. Or he’s going to be dead._

A tear fell down my face, and Alex kissed it, thinking it was for joy.

* * *

_Do you know what I’m going to do to him if you don’t leave him? Imagine this:_

_I’m going to chain him to a metal table in a cold room. First, I will take a chainsaw and cut off the hands that make the music that you love so much. Then I will cut open his throat with scissors and slice his vocal cords apart. Then I will gouge out the eyes that you love looking into. Then I will open his torso in half and tear out his innards...the shock will most likely stop his heart._

_I will take your precious Alex apart, piece by piece, until you cannot recognize him as human. I will pack his meat into little boxes and leave them on your doorstep. Except the head. That I will pierce with a spike and leave it where it’s the first thing you see in the morning._

_Do you want him to be tortured to death? That’s what will happen if you don’t break up with him in the most humiliating, permanent way possible._

_How much do you really love him? Don’t be selfish._

My phone rang. I picked it up and saw Alex’s beautiful face in a circle.

I didn’t answer.

Then, the text: **hey wanna go to Frank’s Diner tonight?**

_Alex hates you he hates you he HATES you_

I curled up on the couch and wept.

**baby?**

I picked up the phone.

**Alex I’m not up for going out tonight.**

_You’re a boring-ass girl. He’s going to leave you when he finds out._

**ok I’ll come over then. I’ll pick up Chinese**

**Thanks**

_I hope someone shoots and kills him on the way here_

“Stop!” I said out loud.

_Stop? I’ve only gotten started._

I ran into the bathroom.

_KILL ALEX KILL ALEX KILL FUCKING ALEX_

I wiped the tears from my face when Alex knocked on the door.

* * *

After we finished our Chinese takeout, Alex lit the fireplace. It used to be manual, but now it was gas; a row of small identical flames popped out of a long metal tube with the push of a button. Still, my parents kept the old-school fireplace tools: the brush, the shovel, and the poker.

_I’m going to take the poker, hold it over the flame until the tip turns orange, and shove it right up his ass. He will die hating you because of what you made me do to him._

A noodle and a leaf of bok choy came up in my throat. They tasted like bile.

_You are poison, poison to everything and everyone you touch._

“What’s on your mind, darlin’?”

The Monster that hates me and wants to kill you – the truth.

“I’m feeling lucky.” A lie.

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to be twenty-one tomorrow and I can’t wait to go to Rooftop 93 with you and have my first legal drink.”

“Hell, yeah.” He laughed. “But not too much now. I want you to remember the first time we...you know.”

“Play Clue?”

Alex made an “O” with his right thumb and index finger and guided his left index finger through it.

_He’d be better off fucking a pile of dog shit._

“My parents aren’t home tonight.” I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.

“What are you really saying – you want another early gift?”

_Once he sees your naked body, he’s going to run so fast he’ll break down the door._

Alex laughed and placed his arm around my shoulders.

“I’m down for that.”

_Your cunt smells like fish that has been left in a dumpster for a few days and has been pissed on by someone with a urinary tract infection. Not even the horniest man would want it._

“Stop,” I said out loud.

Alex raised his eyebrows.

“What?”

“No, no, Alex, I didn’t mean you!”

He looked around the room.

“Who did you mean? There’s no one else here.”

I took a deep breath. No way out except the truth.

“I have...a monster who is always by my side. It tells me terrible things about myself. And you.”

The space between Alex’s eyes furrowed.

“What does it say?”

“It...I’m sorry. It’s too awful to repeat.” I couldn’t pass on the mental images to him.

He held me tighter.

“Okay. You don’t need to tell. I get it.” He leaned forward and pointed to the space next to me. “MONSTER, FUCK THE HELL OFF FROM MY GIRL!”

Silence on my right.

“Did it go away?”

“I...I think it did.”

Alex smiled.

“Now it’s just you and me...and your bed.”

* * *

In the bedroom, I kept the lights off. Not because I thought The Monster would see us, but because darkness felt safe and sheltering for the ritual that was about to happen.

Alex unbuttoned my shirt, pulled down my skirt and tights, and unhooked my bra with fingers of velvet. I allowed myself to lean into his bare chest and stroke its hairs with one hand as I unbuttoned his jeans with the other. He smelled so good, like sea salt with an undertone of hot musk.

His breathing was warm and close as we got into my bed. The sheets felt delightfully cool as they touched our skin. I had already made us one in my head.

Alex had been prepared like a Boy Scout, carrying a condom in his wallet. He put it on, covered me with his lean, strong young body, and entered me. I sighed. It was beautiful, so, so beautiful.

I wrapped my arms and legs around him as he moved on and in me. The beauty spiraled from my center and touched every inch of my body. At last, I was pure happiness for the first time in...I couldn’t remember.

I was happiness, and I gave the happiness back to him. He smiled, he laughed, he pushed hard and let out a moan that delighted my ears more than any music I ever heard. (Even his.) He kissed me fervently, and cuddled me to sleep.

My twentieth year could not have ended any better.

* * *

_KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF_

* * *

I woke up to the sound of choking.

I turned my head.

She had taken one of her favorite scarves – a long one of silk with a red paisley pattern – and turned it into a noose that she was strangling herself with.

I jumped up and yanked her hands away from the scarf.

“It’s killing me!” she screamed.

She leapt out of bed and banged her head against the wall. I grabbed onto her, holding her tight, and pulled her away from the wall. She lunged toward the window, but I kept on holding her, keeping her from harm.

“It wants me to die!”

Now I knew. The monster wasn’t on the outside. It never was. It was inside her. And it was destroying her just as much as anything I could see and touch.

The drawer where she kept her scarves was open. With one hand wrapped around her, I grabbed a fistful of scarves with the other.

I brought her back to the bed and put her on it. I silently thanked her parents for buying her a bed with a brass headboard as I tied one end of a scarf to one of the poles and the other end to her wrists. I also tied up her ankles.

She calmed down a little after I restrained her. Her eyes looked grateful. I kneeled down so we were face-to-face. I let my tears fall at the sight of this beautiful, lovely girl being tortured from within.

“Here’s what I’m gonna do,” I said. “I’m gonna call an ambulance to take you to the hospital. You may have to stay a few days because of your illness. We’ll find out how to get this monster out of you.”

I called 9-1-1. She was silent now, her face wet with tears. When I finished the call, I reached out my hand and stroked her hair and her cheek.

“They’re coming soon. When they come, I’ll have to open the door for them. But right now, I’m here. I’ll ride in the ambulance with you, and be there when you are admitted. I’m staying with you through this.”’

My face was now an inch from hers.

“You are beautiful. You are precious. You matter. You are loved. _I_ love you. Forever.”

I kissed her, and then the knock came on the door.

**Author's Note:**

> I know The Monster’s words are harsh and violent. It upset me to write them down. But that is what the voice of intrusive thoughts, self-hatred, and depression sounds like. If this is happening to you, please get help. You matter.


End file.
